Asexual identity constitutes a Continuum: Navigating Intimacy while Pleasure in a Partnership
Sarah's Journey: Discovering Her Non-Sexual Nature
A 37-year-old woman: “I’ve not once been fond of sex. As a child, I believed broken as everyone put it on a pedestal.”
The sole topic that her partner and I have ever disagreed on is intimacy in our relationship. Upon getting together almost a decade back, sex was certainly something he sought more frequently than I wanted. After about half a year of seeing each other, we decided to try an open arrangement so that he could connect with partners who desire more intimacy than me.
At first, there were moments of insecurity at first, but our bond was reinforced thanks to open dialogue, and I came to feel really secure in our partnership. It’s been a great benefit for both of us, since I have never loved sex. In my younger years, I thought broken because everyone else emphasized its importance, but I never really comprehended the appeal about it.
After discovering literature on asexuality online a while back, it was deeply relatable. I was taken aback, since back then I considered myself a someone with desire – I find solo sex satisfying, and I’d had a lot of sex during my twenties. But I believe I had a lot of that sex due to the fact that I experienced shame – a hangover of my youth in a world that implies it’s necessary to please your man.
What the book taught me was that the asexual identity is a broad spectrum. As an instance, I lack libido, even for people who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I admire their beauty, but I don’t want to be intimate with them. But I do like having orgasms. In my view, it’s enjoyable and it’s a nice release – a way to clear out everything on my mind upstairs.
It was incredibly liberating to share with my partner that I am asexual. He supports this. We sometimes be physical, as I experience profound closeness as well as emotional unity at that time, and I am choosing intentionally when I want to be close to him physically. It’s not that I have a physical urge, but I have different motivations to be intimate, like desiring emotional intimacy. I see his satisfaction, and that makes me happy. In the same way that someone who is not asexual can opt to refrain from sex, I am able to choose to engage in intimacy for other reasons than being turned on.
His Experience: Romance Outside of Sex
A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t the focus does not imply that affection is lacking.”
Sex had been super important to me. It’s where I got a lot of my self-worth. I was sick and in hospital frequently as a teenager, so intimacy turned into something that I thought gave me control regarding my physique. This began to really change upon getting to know Sarah, since sex wasn’t the central focus in our relationship.
Alongside her, I began seeing more value in other parts of myself, and it shifted focus away from sex. I don’t want to be intimate with anyone else now either. Should I have a desire for physical connection, there exist other ways I can handle it. Masturbation is one, but it can also be taking a hike, considering what I’m feeling or watercolour painting.
When Sarah discovered her asexuality, I started to understand that intimacy is more about emotional connection. This can occur during sex, but additionally via different forms that are just as valuable and gratifying. I once had a particular notion of the meaning of asexuality – without sexual activity, you would not feel arousal. But it exists on a continuum, and it needs exploration to figure out where you stand on it.
We’ve been together for almost a decade, and the fact that intimacy isn’t the main focus doesn’t mean that romance is absent. Planning intentional periods for that is really essential for both of us. Occasionally we work on creative projects and build them a little bit daily, which seems very connecting. Sometimes we’ll have a date night and venture out for a special beverage and a meal. We snuggle and set goals down the road, which is a way to show affection. I get a lot of pleasure from preparing meals for others, and I feel really happy like an satisfied state.
Her identity has enlarged the understanding of our bond. It’s like limiting the resources you have to work with – it forces you to be more creative with your current situation. It pushes you to reflect in different ways. But it never reduced the love that I feel for my partner in any way.
