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I am marking three months of sobriety and looking for advice on helping my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. With rehab and support groups, I've reached this goal, although my drinking intensified over the last couple of years. Before that, I was sober for the first six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Challenges

Towards the end, my drinking was non-stop, and my son saw me out of control and miserable. He developed a feeling of duty, thinking he was the only one who could stop me from drinking by taking away bottles. I feel utterly ashamed about this. I have often told him that only I can control my behavior.

He lived with his father for several months—we separated five years ago, but his father is helpful of my sobriety. He returned back in with me when he began high school in September. Trust between us is gradually building as he sees that I am not drinking and devoting all my energy into getting better.

Current Challenges and Feelings

My son remains hyper-vigilant and worried about my well-being. As a result, he is very restrictive of my actions—partly due to anxiety about my past habits, but also because he is on the spectrum and anxious about anything unpredictable. I'm focusing on confidence and boundaries; it would be easy to yield to his requests, but that doesn't feel right as a caregiver. It's challenging as I also feel enormously guilty.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are awaiting assistance for my son from nearby substance abuse support. In the meantime, I feel quite at sea about how to communicate with him. I don't want to make him upset, but I also wish not to overlook the previous events. How do we move forward?

Expert Guidance on Healing

Young ones need to feel safe, especially after unpredictable periods when they couldn't be sure if their caregiver could protect them secure. They may be concerned about raising these topics now. Kids often believe things are their fault—blaming themselves rather than their parents, as the other option feels too threatening. Being autistic can intensify these feelings.

Individuals in active addiction often make promises they may not be able to keep. It can be difficult for loved ones to know what to believe.

It's common for those in active addiction to offer assurances they cannot maintain. This means, loved ones can find it hard to believe them. In addition to boundaries, it's really important to be consistent and demonstrate your son that situations have improved, rather than just telling him.

Useful Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him adjusting at his new school and create a solid schedule. Next, present the concept that no subject is off the discussion table—if that is indeed the case. Mealtimes can be a good time to chat, as can parallel activities like strolling or traveling, since they involve minimal eye contact, which individuals find too intense. Maybe there's an activity you and your son like doing together? Avoid thinking "we need to discuss," but seek chances for conversation and let them occur naturally. Additionally, consider your son's favored way of expressing himself—it might not be speaking; it could be written, or a mix of both.

It's important for him to know that his safe place besides home might be with his father. You should avoid feeling hurt if he chooses to go there sometimes. It doesn't mean you've done poorly—it's a process that isn't straightforward.

Separating Your Needs from His

It's vital to separate your needs from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—to absolve yourself—because you can't do that via your son. You'll better focus on what he requires if you have good support yourself.

You are making great progress. Keep going.